The Friend I Always Wanted

Healing is hard.  It's ugly. It's messy.  It's frustrating.  It's painful.  It's exhausting.  It's enlightening.  It's magic.  It's health.  it's happiness.  It's wholeness.  It's freedom.

Turning inward, healing, and facing everything in your life is hard work.  It’s intense and exhausting and for every tear that you shed, a piece of yourself will be found.  In the end you will be found.

Today in my daily yin yoga practice I felt tension in my hips and in my legs.  I sat there and I just breathed into the pain and it was a hurt so good.  Sometimes in our life the pain that we feel can hurt, but as we sit with ourselves we can look back and see that it was a hurt that was so desperately needed for our greater good.

Today I was brought back to the friend I always wanted, and the friend that is no longer in my life.  When we meditate or go within, things will keep resurfacing in our life until they have been properly felt and dealt with.  We are brought back to it in order to make peace with the situation, honour it for what it truly was at the time, find the grace and gratitude, and then let it all go.

By fluke we met online.  She was driven, hard working, kind, smart, funny, loving, and caring.  We connected instantly.  

I laid there on my mat thinking of her today. 

She was the kind of friend I always wanted.

I remembered the first time we went to Lululemon together and she just picked up anything she wanted.  She put it on the counter without even trying it on and bought it all.  She bought her husband clothes too.  It was well over $1000 and she didn’t blink and eye.  I was in total shock as I had never once been able to do that.  I left with a $100 bag I had my eye on for forever and intended to use it as a diaper bag for our new baby. 

I thought about the time we went to Starbucks.  I never went to Starbucks nor did I think spending $8 on a drink was “worth it”.  She kindly directed me to the best options and we ordered while proceeding to go shopping.  I can see so clearly now how much of a drag I might have been.  Worried about the cost of everything, worried about how much sugar or caffeine was in it, and not feeling worthy enough to buy anything nice for myself.  I can see how much I was residing in fear, and how my poverty thinking, and perhaps how I grew up might have had a little something to do with it all. 

I thought about how she took charge and decided what restaurants to go to and the different things she ordered.  She was a foodie and loved trying new things.  I had a fear of getting fat and always stuck to my eating plan.

I thought about the time she got us tickets to a concert and booked hotels.  I thought about how fun it was that we were on a double date with our spouses and how it all just felt right at the time.

I remembered the time we travelled to Las Vegas together.  I was a having panic attack from all the people and she brought out her essential oils and talked to me about using Lavender.    

I thought about how she woke up in the morning and was watching the news and how I drilled her on what she should do instead.  I thought about how she never once told me how I should be spending my morning time or how I should be living my life.

I remembered trips to the spa and how we spent the day together laying on a hot stone bed, going for a massages, enjoying the hot tub, and sitting in the steam room.  I remember how I was always thinking about work, worried about making more money and posting on my social media.

I remembered how she came back from the store and bought an expensive sweater and didn’t think twice about it.  She saw it, she loved it, she bought it.

I remembered how we would talk about the big dreams we had and how we'd one day make them all happen.

I thought about the time we went to a work event together and she went live on her own social media, and simply was praising and celebrating me and my success.  I thought about how I had never had a friend celebrate, cheer me on, or recognize me like that before.

I remembered the time I had surgery and she sent me gifts in the mail and how kind and amazing that felt.

I remembered the times we gossiped, messaged back and forth, and talked bad about other people we worked closely with and how I knew it was out of alignment with highest self and my own moral compass. 

Then I remembered the conflict and the downfall.  I remembered the anger, the fear, the anxiety, the blame, the stress.  

I remembered how in my fear everything started to fall apart and how I put my work and my business above her feelings.  I remembered the conversation we had, how much sleep I lost, how she yelled at me, and how it made my heart beat out of my chest.  I remember where I was, and where it all happened. 

I remembered where I was when I mustered up the courage to have a difficult conversation with her and I remembered being so done with the negativity, stress, and drama it all caused in my life.  I remember being unfriended and blocked.  I remember hearing from others what was being said behind my back.  I remembered the hate and the anger in my heart and the emptiness I felt in my life after she was gone and our friendship ended.  

So, today while releasing the tension on my mat and within my own body, this is what came up for me many years later.  Stuffed and hidden deep within and brushed under the rug like it didn't matter to me or it never really happened.  Looking back to that time of my life I might have looked great and successful on the outside, but I was a very insecure and anxious woman on the inside and didn't feel very successful or worthy of anything good in my life.  I used my work to numb that pain and to keep me busy, distracted, and disconnected from my truth and God.  

I sat on my mat seeing it all differently and sobbing uncontrollably.

I saw how at the time I didn’t feel worthy of success and was mad at myself for fucking it all up yet again.  Then I immediately course corrected myself for I now know that God leads us to the valley too and we must walk through it until we find what we have been searching for and learn the lessons.

What I realized is I didn’t feel worthy of people showing up for me. 

I didn't feel good enough, smart enough, or even qualified enough.  For many years as quick as the happiness and success came into my life, it left just as fast.  That's because unless we turn inward and we get to the root cause of any issue, we will always find a way to recreate problems in our life.  We will find a way to self-sabotage ourselves, our friendships, our success, and those moments of real goodness in our life all because we failed to open our eyes and feel worthy enough to receive love, support, and connection.    

That’s how healing works.

That’s how God works.

He prunes us and shapes us into the person that he would have us be. 

He puts us on the floor, let’s us sit there in our own mess for a while and eventually brings all the darkness to light while we sob like a baby wishing we could go back and change the past.  But we can’t change the past.  We can only learn, grow, move forward, and trust that God always restores what has been lost while trying to figure ourselves out.  I know for a fact that he always restores and he always makes it better the second time around.

Ultimately we keep "losing" in life until we realize that we have a choice in the matter.  Then as we move forward we are able keep what is rightfully ours because we've done the hard inner work on ourselves to heal and have learned from our mistakes and failures.

We blame, we hate, we point fingers, we strive, we attack, we judge, we block, we run, we unfriend, we compete, we jump to conclusions and we assume that it’s everyone else’s fault, but our own.

Today I know differently and I take full responsibility over my life, my actions, my behaviour, my beliefs, my failures, my past conditionings, my future, and the direction my life is going.  I will gladly sit with myself and get to the bottom of anything that might be preventing me from growth and expansion and experiencing true happiness, and inner peace.  I am always willing to turn inward and do the work, for the work is what makes your life so much easier.  It's like magic how your life has been perfectly planned out just for you and looking back it all makes perfect sense.  Most importantly I have love and faith, and I always forgive myself.  I always aim to do better and to be better. 

I know that sometimes God puts people in our life to wake us up and get us to see our own worth and greatness and with God's help we will remember the good times, and wash away the bad times with the tears we shed when no one else was around.  Our once empty hearts will be full again with love, praise, awe, and appreciation for all of life.

I can see now that I had to go back and be the kind of friend I always wanted for myself first. 

I had to go back and truly heal, love, and nurture the parts of myself that felt rejected, insecure, unloved, unseen, unqualified, not good enough, and unworthy of success.  I had to sit with myself in meditation for years and years and unlearn a lot of what I was taught to believe growing up or picked up unconsciously by the people or the environments I was in and around.  I had to sit with the pain of my own insecurity and low self-worth and feel everything I just pushed aside because I was too busy trying to get to the next big thing or goal.

After the release, I chuckled to myself and instantly felt lighter and that's the thing about life.  If you want to change your life and make it better, you can have no part of your old life or your old self.  You have to become a whole new person and you have to let that old version of yourself go.  

My friend was a guiding light for me as I made my way back home to my own truth.  That wound and conflict taught me a lot about life and about myself and it made me a better leader and a much better person in general.  She was showing me things that I didn’t think or believe were possible at the time and it also made me realize how self-absorb I was as I focused on things that truly didn't matter at the end of this lifetime.

I can whole heartedly say I am much better for it.

I am that woman now shining brightly and while there is still a part of the old me that thinks it’s "crazy", or that I should go back to my old ways of thinking and perhaps spending, and "limiting myself", I know that way of living never worked in my life or for anyone else I came into contact with either.  There is now a bigger part of me that loves the way it feels to treat myself like a Queen and to treat others the way they truly deserve to be treated as well.

I will gladly go to Lululemon and spend $1600 on a bunch of clothes I love without trying anything on because I just know my size.

I will gladly go to Starbucks and spend $8 on a drink and roam around the mall and buy myself things I love.

I will gladly go to the spa and treat myself to a few days of luxury without worrying about money, work, or how much things cost.

I will gladly celebrate others and be truly happy for them when they are successful and thriving because I know they’ve worked extremely hard for that.

I will gladly be that kind of friend for others because I am that kind of friend to myself first.  

I will gladly prioritize myself, my health, my relationships, and my real calling in life over making money and superficial goals.  There is nothing worse than having it all on the outside, but having loneliness and emptiness on the inside and no one around to share your blessings with.

I will gladly trust and believe in the universe and my heavenly father to provide for me because I am a descendent from a royal bloodline.  I know on the other side there is no such thing as lack, scarcity, and not enough.  There is only unconditional love and abundance.

I know that when others attack, lash out, hate, judge, or criticize me for shining brightly, it has more to do with their own internal pain, insecurities, and suffering and nothing to do with me.  The best thing I can do is to keep shining and to keep doing my own thing and walk away from those who don’t quite see it yet.

I know that I don't have to overwork, over extend myself, or prove myself or my value to anyone on this planet and what matters most is what I think of myself and my own relationship with God.  I am worthy and valuable because I exist and that is more than good enough.  

I know that some people come into our lives for a season, while others come into our lives for a very specific reason.  I know that friends come and go and that each season and each reason is needed on our path towards truth and self-discovery.

I know that those people who are meant to be in our lives will always be there, and if something is meant to be, it will be.  

I know that I am worthy and deserving of people showing up for me in my life and that I don't have to do this alone anymore.

I also know that there is no competition in life.  We are all children of God and he doesn't have a favourite.  You don't need to feel less than or inferior based on who you are, what you look like, your credentials, or how you were raised.  There is enough for everyone to go around, and no one out there is better than you.  You are one of a kind and an unique expression all on your own.  We are all connected and it's our duty to love, respect, and support one another.  

So to my old friend...  Wherever you are.  Whatever you are doing.  I wish you nothing but love, happiness, health, peace, and success in your life. I am sorry I wasn’t the kind of friend that you deserved at the time, because truthfully I wasn't a very nice friend to myself back then.  I am sorry that I took your friendship for granted and wasn't able to fully receive it at the time.  I am sorry I hurt you, and yet I am also so very thankful for it all too.  You taught me one of the greatest life lessons of all and it brought me back home to the truest and purest expression of myself.  A self that I love and a self that I am proud of with my whole heart.  

When you know better, you can do better and from the bottom of my heart and the tear stains on my yoga mat, this will never happen again.